I feel less like a failure today.

I can almost taste August 20th and moreover, September 21st I am going to make jaws drop when I return with hair all cut off, great outfits (hopefully will be able to borrow Buffy’s stuff legitimately) and yeaaaah. Hopefully will get better at make up/doing make up.

Why can I taste all this? Because I have gone a day without eating anything bad. Nor do I want to! I have felt like this for the past week. I’ve only binged ‘cause I forced myself too. I passed over lemon tart today (om nom nom nom). I feel brilliant, and sexy. Well not sexy. But brilliant!

I have rediscovered The Spill Canvas. They are quite good. I forgot how much I liked them. ‘Saved’ is a pretty awesome track. I might listen to some old songs like Bracelets etc.

Um, Sims is pretty fun atm. I have a couple with two kids…the mum is gonna get cheated on by the Dad soon. LOL.

“I was hoping to tell you this with two feet on the ground, but I don’t think I can really talk ‘cause I’m not really stable right now.” <3333

That’s all folks. Much love.

Don’t let the milk float ride, you’re so natural, so religiously unkind.

I have had two days of unadulterated binging. I feel like shit. But I cannot change the past. I must go up and onwards. I realised I needed many things for ultimate beauty and preening:

Hair dryer.
Moisturiser for face.
Primer.
Regular outings out places. Where? I’m not sure.

Etc.

I am so tired right now. I feel depressed. I don’t like being home, and seeing my Mum cry. I don’t like being like this, and feeling like resorting to doing bad things (like cutting). I don’t like how helpless I still feel. I mean, I need help. I need to see a psychologist. I hear shit sometimes, and see things. I know they are not real, but it can get disturbing. I want to go back to college and see Keith. Which is a really bad thing, isn’t it? He’s an extremely older man. He’s married. He has a child (upon which he dotes on – and who is only 4 years younger than me). And most of all, he’s my teacher. AND A MANCUNIAN. What is wrong with me? I don’t even know what I like so much about him. He’s not totally physically attractive. It’s just his personality. But his personality is irritating. Which leaves me at ???

I thank God no one (at least, I know) reads this blog. I would be so ashamed! LOL.

I need to continue and finish reading Crime and Punishment this summer. I also need to read Ideologies. That may be all, I don’t know. Hopefully I’ll get some other good books out of the way. I might read some political novels like 1984. Or A Clockwork Orange. I like reading. Why did I stop? Oh yeah, I discovered obsessive relationships, and started daydreaming and becoming far more mindless ^_-

This is it for today. Peace out chaps.
x<3

Politics Revision.

I’m thinking about starting a politics blog, where basically, I just type up my revision notes. It might be good, seeing as my notes aren’t technically bad and can therefore help other lame arses doing AS Political bollocks.

I should really have read Wide Sargasso Sea by now. I WILL read it tomorrow. And then do that essay on Tuesday. And then spend from now until the end of the week revising History and Politics. History especially – I’ve done no notes, revision anything. ARGH. I’m going to fail.

“Thank you Mother sea, for letting him see the sea in me”

Mr. Hatt.

There was once a man named Mr. Hatt.

He was a gun-toting, hip gangsta wannabe. Basically, he was white and liked Eminem. ANYWAY. Here is what Mr. Hatt looks like:

Yes, he was immortalised as a gay little hand puppet in the early seasons of South Park. But that is not the point.

Mr. Hatt was lonesome one day. So lonesome, that he decided to hop onto a train marked ‘South’. This would be to the southern streets of his town, the same southern streets where 512 rabid young men in tracksuits were mysteriously murdered by a man in a one suit named Jeremiah. But that is not the point.

Yes, Mr. Hatt was lonesome. So lonesome, he did in fact go ‘Downtown’ and slept with – A PROSTITUTE.

Now, this isn’t too suprising, as he was in fact a gun-toting, hip-gangsta wannabe. But, whilst he may be one, he has never harmed a fly.

*cue awws*

And this is where the story gets even sadder. In these times of lonesome deprivation for the young men in the streets of Detroit, there is a growing concern over these persons physical health.

Yes, that’s right. Mr. Hatt -

Got AIDS!

Unfortunately for Mr. Hatt, he didn’t realise he had AIDS, and thought these were just the symptoms of heavy heroin use. Because he was a jackass.

On the 33rd of July, 2000 and never, he died of heart failure, kidney disease, liver poisoning…oh, this wasn’t from the AIDS. This was just because he was a jackass.

R.I.P. Mr. Hatt.

Going to add two new pages soon (or might make a new blog – I’ll let you know soon!) – plus my song of the year :)

So, I’m gonna make some new pages with low fat recipes and some pictures of my favourite female actresses/singers/whatever .

ALSO this song is like LOVE to me right now. I don’t know what it is about it, it’s just awesome.

Duvet – Boa  (not the Korean pop star, lol)

And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

I am falling, I am fading
I have lost it all

And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame then I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share
and you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe

Exercise.

30-1hr on the exercise machine tonight, and like, 50 sit ups or whatever.I’m going for a long walk tomorrow too. I might set my timer on my iPod or something. Hm.Anyway, last post for tonight. Goodnight guys. OH. And..so inspirational!

Night guys.

x

WOOOW!

I’ve eaten today:

-2 bananas.
-a cup of grapes
-a cup of soup
-8 smarties
-3 Weightwatchers almond slices.

I might go and use my exercise bike in a bit. I really need to start exercising. Bleh.

Hm. I’ve apparently lost about 8 pounds :rolleyes:. I doubt that’s actually fat and not just I don’t have much in my stomach to put more weight into the scale.

Liv made me call her at midnight, asking me what was wrong (although there wasn’t anything) going ‘Do you want to do something tomorrow?’ I.E. today, then her friend’s nan started waking up (she was at her house…???) and then said ‘I’ll text you’.

She didn’t text and she didn’t phone. So much for that, then…

I love this song, it’s called Lucy At The Gym by Jill Sobules:

Hm.

I want to go and see a dietician. I don’t want to lose all this weight only to put it all back on again.

I bought multivitamins today.

So I didn’t feel so bad about not eating. I just have this weird sort of thing about dying from malnutrition.

I know multivitamins isn’t as good as eating, but no one seems to get how much I don’t want to eat anymore. I mean, I’ll eat, but I just don’t want to have more than one meal a day. And I think anyone can survive on that. I mean, I’ve not started doing really vigorous exercising. I’m prolly expending as much as I’m eating atm anyway.

What I ate today:

A carrot.

I’m so happy. It’s like…7:50pm and I’ve been up since 8ish.

Although, I am worried surviving on tea and coffee is going to give me a heart attack.

Oh, and I’ve not exercised…I really should. To make the most of things. The only thing I’ve done was near enough freeze to death in Bromley. I hope the guinea pigs are alright.

WHYYYY are there no good playlists on the internet ever?

Hello dairy farmers.

=] I’m really quite bored and I feel sick.

What’s a slug?

Life.

Life in general is going okay at the moment, I guess. I’ve applied to two higher education colleges. One is Orpington College, Kent and the other Southwark, South Bank campus, and my GCSEs are going okay, I suppose.

I’ve applied for History, English Literature, Psychology and Film Studies at Orpington. At Southwark, change Psychology for Government and Politics. I’m also thinking about changing my applications to include Maths but I’m not sure.

Apart from the stresses of that, I’m happy. The only thing I’m stressed out about in my personal life is the fact Mike basically ignores me now. And if it weren’t for him, I’d be happy as a daisy. It just makes me feel so shit, whenever I talk to him, and try to be forward, and have him knock me back.

I just want his friendship back. Is that so bad?

Three things I want for next year.

-For Mike to be my friend again.

-For Dale to love me as much as I do him.

-For college to be a great success, no anxiety, and make good friendships.

That’s all. Sorry to you non-existent people for not posting in a while. Things have been a bit bad here recently.

Creative minds.

So, I’ve decided to get my creative ass back in gear and start drawing/writing again. I’m shit at both, but y’know. It’s relaxing.

ALSO:

This years Christmas wish-list:

1. Some GHDs. Probably slightly cheaper ones from eBay. But I’m starting to have my doubts.
2. An exercise bike. Yayyy! I love exercise bikes. They have, are, and always will be my favourite exercising machine. And it really helps with the whole anxiety shit.
3. Other stuff. Like books, clothes etc.

It’s going to be way awesome this year. Well, present wise. I love my Mum .

So anyway. My new resolution is to get down to a size 16, top and bottom. At least. By my sixteenth birthday. It shouldn’t be too hard – that’s 6 months away.

I’ve also found it difficult to eat recently. I think it’s mostly because I’ve come to the swift realisation I cannot afford to want to eat. I need to eat, so I’m eating the basic, but apart from that I don’t want to eat anything too bad. It just makes me feel nauseous and guilty.

Hm. I’m just….ahhhhh. It’s all gravy, here, baby.

I might post my goals up.

And alas, before I leave, I shall give this. Ahahahaha, wtf?

Hum de hum.

Today was fun. I went out with friends, who I’ve not seen in a long while. And a guy called Jamie. Who, as nice as he may be, needs to learn boundaries. Seriously. If a girl hasn’t wanted to go out with you for months, she never will. Get over it. Or at least try to, and stop making passes.

Anyway, it was nice. But I’m sad. If there was one person that I don’t really want just pulled out of my life, it’s Liv. I’d go so mental if she left. I don’t want her to, AT ALL. Her Dad…uh, don’t even get me fucking started. What a loser. He’s an ARSEHOLE. He can’t treat her the way he has, and pull her away from his life. His marriage didn’t fail because of her. It failed because of him. She doesn’t want to be with him, she wants to be near Grace and look after her Mum in case she gets really ill again.

And most of all, I don’t think she wants to make friends all over again. And I don’t want to lose a best friend. Never never never. She’s too important.

Life here seems alright, and I’m started to get focused. Properly, this time. Not that old, ‘Yeah! I’m gonna get focused! No one can stop me!’ kind of thing, but it seems to be happening on it’s own. And I am enjoying myself. I don’t know. Is this what happiness feels like? Probably not. I still feel suicidal and like cutting and hurting myself because I don’t like myself, and I probably never will.

I’m stupid.

Anyway, TTFN blogging world. It’s nice to talk again. .

Hallo :)

I decided to edit.

So, hello, everyone who may or may not see this. I don’t really care. You obviously have as little or even less (God bless your soul) life than me anyway, if you’re reading someone else’s blog.

I’m a bitter, lovelorn, teenage girl. Sound familiar? Well, good. It should. I however am a different sort to most of the angsty teenage girls around.

I’ve been in and out of therapy for the past year and been on a short course of prozac (which I gave up on my own without doctor’s consultation) because of severe depression.

I dislike nasty people, I like nice people. It’s quite simple. Bitch like a motherfucker and GTFO. Bitch occasionally, and stay in.

Ummm…I go to a ’special’ school. I’m not getting the qualifications I deserve next year. People say I’m really clever when I’m actually quite stupid. I like music and singing, even though I can’t.

I love my friends, although I hardly show it, and I may act crazy sometimes, but I do. ALL of my friends. Friends I met on various website, I love you. Friends I know in real life, I love you. Friends I’ve never met, but I know through other friends, I love you as well. And I ALWAYS will.

Life is only okay right now, but it’s getting better.

Is that it? It may just be. For the time being.

.

The V-meister.

DOES HE LOVE YOU? – RILO KILEY: